


Vague Hope

by sempre_balla



Category: CLAMP - Works, Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle
Genre: AU - NieR: Automata, Asphyxiation, Blood and Violence, Character Death, KuroFai Olympics, Loss of Limbs, Multi, Murder, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, this sounds so awful because of the tags but I promise it's not constant hopeless violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-08
Updated: 2018-09-08
Packaged: 2019-07-07 01:09:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,388
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15897816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sempre_balla/pseuds/sempre_balla
Summary: In a dystopian Earth inhabited by powerful machine lifeforms, androids fight relentlessly to reclaim the world their human masters had to flee from. Fai, a quick-witted scanner model, is tasked with a dreadful mission involving a combat model named Kurogane. Will his new partner be able to give Fai his long-lost hope, or will they remain forever trapped in an endless cycle of life and death?





	Vague Hope

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, all! This is my entry for the 2018 KuroFai Olympics. This year's challenge is Gods vs. Machines, and I'm writing for Team Machines with the prompt "Mokita", a word in Kivila that means "The truth everyone knows but agrees not to talk about." I found that this prompt fit amazingly with the themes of NieR: Automata, my favorite game in the world which happens to be about androids and machines, so I inspired my fic on the universe and some of the events in the game (note that it's a dark game that inspired a dark fic, so check the tags for trigger warnings). 
> 
> NO knowledge of NieR: Automata is needed to understand the fic. The only term that I feel might be slightly confusing is "black box": little boxes situated in the core of an android, which serve as both a tracking device and a way to self-destruct. 
> 
> P.S. I highly recommend listening to Blissful Death and Vague Hope (Cold Rain) from the NieR: Automata OST while reading, they fit the mood of the fic splendidly, they inspired it, and they're just gorgeous. That's all, please enjoy!

_Kurogane was panting and writhing on the ground as a puddle of blood formed around him. Fai stared down at him and stepped back, not bothering to pull out the sword impaling his partner’s body. He didn’t think he could use it anymore, a sword tainted with the blood of a trusted comrade—of a comrade that had trusted him._

_However, his expression remained cold and unfeeling when Kurogane managed to raise his head high enough to look at him. He did not seem to be able to speak anymore, only making noises of agony that made Fai feel nauseous, which was strange in and of itself. How could an android, a machine incapable of ever being sick, feel nausea?_

_“Are you asking me why?” Fai said in response to Kurogane’s questioning gaze. The puddle of blood started reaching his feet, so he took another step back and raised a gloved finger to his lips. “I won’t say.”_

_No more words were spoken, and Fai watched Kurogane’s life slowly wither away._

 

* * *

 

“Kurogane, you will be partnering up with Fai,” Yuuko commands, her voice firm and authoritative. “I want you two to go to the surface and rendezvous with the Resistance to do some recon.”

“What? I’m a combat model, why the hell would you send me to do a recon mission?” Kurogane asks, looking scandalized. “ And I don’t need a partner, let alone one like _this_!”

The last word is spat out like venom, but Fai doesn’t even flinch. He knew this was coming; he has heard this kind of disapproval many times in the past, and he will hear it many times in the future. The familiarity of it almost feels good. Being regarded as scum again almost feels good.

He glances at Kurogane, angry, passionate Kurogane, and plasters on a fake smile.

“Give me some credit, will you, Kuro-tan?” He says, reaching out and latching onto Kurogane’s arm. He feels the other android stiffening under his touch.

“Who the fuck is Kuro-tan?” Kurogane growls, snatching his arm away. He reaches out to push Fai, but Fai takes a swift step back, dodging without a problem.

As always, it feels like they’re following a script. Smile and frown, tease and react, same old, same old. Fai puts his hands on his hips and pouts childishly.

“I’m an incredibly skillful model, you know?” he says. “I will definitely be of use to you.”

“I fight alone, scanner,” Kurogane retorts, scowling and crossing his arms. “You being useful or not doesn’t matter to me.”

“Enough, boys,” Yuuko intervenes, using her whip to lightly smack them both over the head. “This is an order from your superior officer. Disobey my orders if you are so against this partnership, but you know the consequences of that, Kurogane.”

Kurogane looks displeased to say the least, but when he has no conflicting memories and experiences hampering with his priorities, he is a soldier at his core. His sense of duty far outweighs his personal feelings, so he bows his head to hide the nasty expression he is sending Yuuko’s way, and Fai smiles and mirrors his partner. He promptly ignores how instead of glaring at their commander, Kurogane is directing his homicidal stare at him now. Given how YoRHa androids wear black blindfold-like goggles, he can’t actually see the homicidal stare, but boy, can he feel the hatred oozing out of it.

“Understood, Commander,” Kurogane grumbles before turning on his heel and stomping loudly towards the little elevator that leads out of the room, startling the operators whose desks are nearby.

Fai turns around to follow his partner, but he is stopped by a hand on his shoulder. He turns to Yuuko, whose expression is somber. His own smile drops, and he averts his gaze to his feet. He knows what is coming. He hates what is coming.

“Don’t forget your mission, Fai.”

“I won’t,” he whispers.

“This is your final chance. Do _not_ let it end like last time.”

He smiles wryly and looks up at his commander. Her expression is crestfallen, and she wears none of the severity that laces her commands. Funny how she looks so sad. She has nothing to be sad for. She’s not him. He grabs her hand and eases it off his shoulder before slipping the mask back on, an effortless smile gracing his features.

“I won’t.”

Fai turns around and takes his leave.

 

* * *

 

_Kurogane was a proud android, and he was respected by many of their kind. That was why Fai did not want to be responsible for the sight of him writhing pathetically on the ground as his life slipped away. Even if he was the only one who would see it, Kurogane deserved better._

_So, this time, Fai plunged his sword right through Kurogane’s head._

_The body fell to the ground, lifeless, and Fai stared down at it. He still felt that strange nauseous feeling, so he averted his eyes. He looked at his sword instead._

_“Looks like I won’t be using this one anymore,” he murmured to himself._

_The sword was left at the scene, resting right between Kurogane’s eyes._

 

* * *

 

They are making their way towards the Resistance camp when Kurogane stops dead in his tracks. There is a moose laying down in their way. It’s sleeping, peaceful and undisturbed. Neither of them say anything.

Kurogane loves animals, and Fai hates them. Androids have been designed to love humans, creatures that are truly, undoubtedly living. However, Kurogane doesn’t only follow that model of behavior when it concerns their human masters, but also when it concerns every single aspect of nature he comes across. He doesn’t know that Fai knows this about him and he doesn’t know that Fai hates animals solely out of envy. To be able to live without fighting or killing, to be able to exist peacefully without any burdens, to be able to not suffer from the absence of humans. How wonderful would all of that be, is what Fai thinks when he looks at the wildlife that has developed in the ruined city that was once occupied by their creators.

He wants to kill the thing and watch it bleed. He doesn’t touch his spear.  

“It sure is nice!” He says, overly cheerful. The moose startles and quickly gets up and away. Fai doesn’t spare a glance at the animal, and Kurogane doesn’t either, staring at him instead. “Can you imagine? Being able to sleep out here in the open without any fear of being attacked by the machine lifeforms?”

“Who cares?” Kurogane replies, starting to walk towards their destination again. As always, Fai follows close behind. “It’s not like us androids need to sleep, anyway.”

“But it still feels good to do so!”

His partner scoffs. “You’re just lazy.”

“That’s not true!” Fai protests. He looks up at his pod, which, as per usual, is idly hovering around. “I’m not lazy, I’m just saving energy. Right, Mokona?”

“Right, right!” Mokona cheers.

“Sleeping doesn’t save energy, it just wastes time,” Kurogane says, glaring at him and then at his pod.

“How mean is Kurogane?” Fai asks Mokona.

“A lot!” Mokona answers. She bumps her little paws on Kurogane’s head, and retreats with a squeal when Kurogane swings a fist at her. “Meanie! Big meanie!”

“I should’ve guessed someone as annoying as you would have that thing’s speech on,” Kurogane sighs, dragging a hand down his face.

“You can turn it off?” Fai asks, reaching up to poke at Kurogane’s pod. Unlike his own, it's pitch black.

“You can if you order it to halt all speech unless it's strictly necessary for the mission,” Kurogane explains. “I still have no idea what the hell Command were thinking when they mass-produced these models.”

“Isn't it fine? It lightens things up.”

“It’s idiotic.”

“Meanie! Kuro-meanie!” Mokona chants, and when Kurogane tries to punch her again, Fai hugs her to his chest and laughs as he swiftly dodges the strike.

“Turn this thing’s speech off immediately.”

“Aw, but I like hearing what Mokona has to say,” Fai answers, tightening his arms around the pod.

“Mokona is gonna be sliced up garbage if you don’t order it to shut the hell up,” Kurogane warns, and Fai laughs again as Mokona squeals and burrows further into his chest.

Fai guesses he shouldn’t piss off Kurogane  _too_ much when he was already grumpy from being partnered up with him, so he decides to indulge him for the time being. He murmurs the order to Mokona and graces his partner with his own silence as well, the only sounds filling the air between them being their footsteps.

Silence is a risky thing when it comes to being with Kurogane. If Fai gives him room to breathe and think calmly then he sees through too much, but the cheerful persona is exhausting and Kurogane usually sees through his bullshit anyway. Still, he knows he shouldn’t get too careless. Every sentence, every action—or lack of thereof—should be gauged carefully. He needs to provoke his anger, but only on a surface level. He needs to earn his trust, but not give his own away. He needs to be friendly, but in a cold manner that pushes the other android away.

“Ah, is that it?” Kurogane asks after a while, snapping Fai out of his reverie. He’s pointing at a barricaded entrance leading to a gap between two destroyed buildings. It is it, Fai has been there many times before.

He shrugs. “I suppose. I have never been there before, but it _is_ the point marked on the map.”

“The Resistance leader better not be the same kind of clown the Commander is,” Kurogane grumbles as he slows his pace.

Fai chuckles, skipping towards the entrance and spinning on the heel of his foot to face his partner. Kurogane always looks down at the Resistance at first, which many of the YoRHa androids do due to them being newer, stronger models. They are an elite force after all, but the Resistance androids are much more numerous and have a better understanding of the surface. There are things only they can accomplish, and he’s sure Kurogane will come around eventually. He always does.

For the time being, he’ll have to put up with the grumps.

“Don’t worry, you grumpy pants,” he says, patting Kurogane in the shoulder. “I’ve heard he’s very serious and very calm, so you might get along with him!”

“Don’t call me that. Let’s go.”

Fai chuckles again and follows inside. The Resistance camp is as small and cozy as always. It’s cluttered with weapons, boxes, chairs and materials, everything shielded by a couple of awnings held up by metal bars and building walls. There’s a few unfamiliar faces, but he still recognizes most androids. The clumsy one with the long brown hair is playing around the jukebox as usual and getting yelled at by the weapons dealer when she turns it up too loudly. Syaoran and Sakura are nearby, both hunched over a damaged pod, and when Syaoran looks up at Fai he smiles sadly and averts his gaze immediately. Always the empathetic one, Syaoran doesn’t greet him, and Sakura follows his example when she notices them, going back to work and only sending them fleeting glances. Touya is looking over a transporter with Fujitaka, but he still manages to see them and send a nod of acknowledgement their way. That’s not necessarily a greeting made between acquaintances, so Fai nods back and then jabs his elbow at Kurogane’s side when he notices him staring.

“Don’t be rude and greet them too,” he chides, but Kurogane just huffs and looks away.

“What does greeting anyone matter when we’re here on a job? I’m only greeting the leader,” he says, pointing at Doumeki. “That’s him, right?”

“Who, the one wearing the fancy cape and sitting at the big table of operations that’s right in the focal point of the camp?” Fai says, lacing his tone with exaggerated innocence and tapping his chin with a finger. “Gee, I wonder!”

He steps to the side just in time for Kurogane to miss his punch. He pivots on his heel and approaches the leader’s table with a skip. Doumeki looks up from the plans on his desk with a blank expression, no recognition shown on his face.

“Hello!” Fai greets. “You’re the leader of this camp, yes?”  

Doumeki quirks an eyebrow, but he doesn’t comment anything, offering a small nod instead. Fai is glad to find out that he still doesn’t prod into other people’s business at all. Unlike YoRHa androids, Resistance androids have a lovely tendency to always mind their business.

“Yuuko sent you, I assume,” Doumeki says, and when Kurogane grunts as a way of affirmation Doumeki looks up to give him a long stare.

“What?” Kurogane says, crossing his arms. “Something on my face?”

“No,” Doumeki replies, looking down at his plans again. “I’m sorting things out at the moment, so go around and get acquainted with the members of our camp, if you will. We’re really short on manpower at the moment, so if you don’t have any specific orders from Yuuko when you’re done, I’ll give you some.”

“Understood,” Kurogane grumbles before turning on his heel and striding towards the weapons dealer. Fai makes as if to follow him, but is stopped by Doumeki.

“Wait,” the leader calls to him, and when Fai turns to look at him he holds his gaze for a few seconds before speaking again. “How is Watanuki doing?”

Fai smiles. “He’s been partnered up with Himawari recently, so he’s in a better mood than usual. Still a cranky one, though.”

“I see.”

“Should I give him a message from you?” Fai asks, tilting his head. When Doumeki shakes his head, his smile saddens.

“Wouldn’t want to ruin his mood,” the other android says.

“The Resistance leader should be more confident than that, don’t you think?” Fai responds, putting a hand on the table and leaning his weight on it.

Doumeki rests his chin on a palm and looks at Fai with the subtlest hint of hostility.

“I’m just being realistic. And that’s rich coming from you.”

Fai shrugs. “I’m no leader, Doumeki. I’m just your average YoRHa scanner.”

Doumeki looks about ready to retort, but no sound leaves his mouth when he opens it. He closes his eyes and shakes his head, then gestures at Kurogane when he opens them again.

“Go to him and let me sort out my plans. I bet you want to talk to Syaoran and Sakura again.”

“I sure do,” Fai says, smiling with false cheer. “Have fun with your plans!”

Doumeki waves a hand as a reply and Fai takes it as his cue to walk away. He nears Kurogane and jumps on his back, wrapping his arms around his neck and making him drop the sword he was examining. Kurogane lets out a surprised noise before he can regain his balance, and then the sword lands on his foot, making him curse.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kurogane groans, trying to pry Fai’s arms off his neck.

“We’ve been ordered to greet everyone, Kuro-pon,” he says, leaning his weight on the other android and letting his feet dangle.

Kurogane is leaning down to pick up the fallen sword, but he pauses midway to turn his head and direct a glare that Fai can feel even when he doesn’t see it.

“That is not my name,” Kurogane says through gritted teeth. He hands the sword back to the weapons dealer, who takes it back with an annoyed expression and turns his back on them to store it away.

When Kurogane straightens his back, Fai slides off of him with a childish pout.

“Does it matter?” He whines. “Stop complaining all the time.”

“Yes, it does. Stop being an idiot all the time.”

“You’re asking too much of me,” Fai laughs, tugging at his partner’s arm and pointing at Sakura. “Come on, I want to talk to the cute girl first!”

Kurogane rolls his eyes, but he still lets himself be dragged away.

 

* * *

 

_Fai straddled Kurogane’s thighs and wrapped his hands around his throat. There was no rush, this time around. It wouldn’t feel like a direct betrayal to Kurogane, this time around. It was almost intimate, and Fai hated it._

_“I wish you weren’t beyond repair,” he whispered, his mask faltering in spite of himself._

_“Cut it out, idiot,” Kurogane said, raising a hand to touch Fai’s cheek. “You already tried everything you could, and you know we can’t make it to the bunker in time.”_

_“Does it hurt?”_

_“It hurts. So end it.”_

_Fai gritted his teeth and tightened his grip. He touched Kurogane’s forehead with his own and closed his eyes as the android beneath him trembled and reached for his wrists. One of his arms was nearly destroyed though, so he only managed to weakly take ahold of one. There was no prying done. Kurogane was inviting Fai to kill him._

_Kurogane’s memory circuits were corrupted. Fai couldn't back up the data and upload it to the bunker, and his partner was inviting him to kill him._

_Eventually, Kurogane went limp. Fai wondered when he had started wanting to save him._

_Still straddling the corpse of his partner, he turned his hands around and stared at his palms. He wondered if he could cut them off and have someone give him a replacement._

_He felt sick._

 

* * *

 

Kurogane’s black pod stops hovering around for a second before answering, “Fifty-two.”

Kurogane clicks his tongue and his grip around his sword tightens. Fai just watches it all, trying not to bite his lips in worry or fiddle with his gloves.

“This is why I didn’t want to let the Resistance push their jobs onto us,” Kurogane grumbles. “They don’t even have proper intel, they said there would be less machines than this.”

Fai can’t help frowning in worry. Resistance intel has always been lacking in comparison to the one provided by YoRHa, but this is a little over the top.  

“This may be why the Commander sent a combat model like you to a recon job with the Resistance,” he muses, hugging his own pod to his chest. “And why she partnered you up with a scanner like me. The more combat data we have and more we know about hostile machine behavior, the better.”

Kurogane stares at Fai for a long moment, and the scanner starts fearing he’s seen through him already. He should have kept that thought to himself.

“What value does combat data have if we just end up dying halfway?” Kurogane asks after a while, and Fai purses his lips.

“Can’t you handle them?” He asks.

“...I don’t know. I’m used to working alone, but the difference in numbers is messing with me. I know we’re elite soldiers, but sending only two models to a machine-swarmed desert is ridiculous.” He clicks his tongue again. “There’s not even good cover here, once we get out of this rock it’s kill or be killed.”

“They’re already aware of our position, though,” Fai says. “The cover is only for show, at this point.”

“Huh?” Kurogane stops looking over the side of the big rock to stare at Fai questioningly. “How the hell do you know that?”

“Listen carefully,” Fai whispers, giving Kurogane a few seconds of silence until he sees his mouth opening just slightly in surprise. “Notice it? Machines are clunky and their movement is loud to the ears. If they were searching for us they wouldn’t just stay still like that.”

“An ambush?” Kurogane asks, perplexed. “Can machines think that far?”

“They’re smarter than we androids give them credit for,” Fai murmurs. He’s aware that he needs to stop giving information that could stir the fires of Kurogane’s curiosity, but he can’t help it, can he? They’re in danger, and they can’t exactly forfeit the mission once they’ve been dispatched. “Remember that they’re all connected through an intricate network, so formulating an ambush plan on two lone androids must barely be a challenge for them—especially considering how bare and unprotected the desert leaves us.”

Kurogane grits his teeth and doesn’t say anything, probably thinking about their chances of survival and the better path of action to take. Fai frowns and places a hand over the one eye that isn’t covered by his goggles. The heat and scorching sun of the desert make it harder for him to see clearly, so he has to concentrate to focus on Kurogane’s vitals. All green. The desert is a complicated area, the sand and weather conditions often hampering performance for androids. And yet, outnumbered or not, Kurogane is in top fighting condition.

“What are you doing?” the other android asks, making Fai snap out of his trance.

“I’m afraid so I don’t want to look,” he lies, which makes Kurogane’s mouth curve down into a scowl.

“You can see through those goggles,” he says, and Fai quickly brings a hand to cover his left eye over said goggles. “And I can see through your shit.”

Fai chuckles. “That’s rude.”

“I can take them,” Kurogane changes the subject, thankfully. Fai lowers his hands to look at his partner, and then Kurogane continues. “But with you in there too.”

“Aw, it must have been hard to admit that you need help from me,” Fai says, smiling and reaching forward to pat Kurogane’s head. “Good boy.”

Kurogane swats his hand away with a grimace.

“Shut up and follow my lead. On the count of three.”

“No, I’ll stay here and provide support.”

He doesn’t flinch when Kurogane’s head snaps to give him what is probably the most hate-filled look anyone has ever given. It’s a pity it’s hidden by the black goggles, Fai likes Kurogane’s homicidal looks. They’re predictable and easy to handle.

“ _No_ , you will get your ass in there and help me fight the machines.”

Fai crosses his arms. “No, it’s scary.”

“Listen, you ass—”

“I’m a scanner model, I’m no good at close-range combat,” Fai interrupts. “I’ll stay here and provide support via hacking and long-range attacks.”

Kurogane stays silent for a moment before turning around and nearing the edge of the rock.

“I know you’re a good fighter,” he says. “And that you’re risking both of our lives by holding back here.”

“My hacking is powerful.”

“Whatever.”

Kurogane sets off, and a few seconds later the clash of sword and metal can be heard. Fai gives himself a couple of seconds to collect himself and then climbs up the rock to assess the situation. Kurogane has his back to him and is trying to fend off the swarm of machines. He’s keeping them at bay, standing with his back almost pressed to the big rock so he can keep all the attackers in his sights. There’s a small machine that has sneaked around to Kurogane’s blind spot, however, and Fai frowns when he notices it. He’s too far away to hack it.

“Mokona,” he whispers. The pod opens her mouth and fires a laser that pierces the machine’s body, killing it instantly. Kurogane looks around to spare him a glance and a nod, and Fai doesn’t waste any time to slide off the surface of the rock, landing directly behind Kurogane’s back and extending his arms to start hacking into the enemies.

“I thought you wouldn’t come down here?” Kurogane asks with an annoyed tone as he slashes through the nearest enemy and launches a missile to the one directly behind it.

“I just got in range,” he says, closing his eyes and projecting his consciousness on the goliath-type machine approaching them from afar. “I’ll handle the ones that are far away.”

“Got it.”

They silently hold their ground and slowly chip away at the machine lifeforms’ numbers. It’s not particularly hard on either of them, since the machines’ attacks are rudimentary and easy to avoid. They aren’t particularly smart, this lot, and even when they’ve managed to surprise them and back them into a corner, their moment-to-moment tactics are archaic at best.

They'd certainly be too much for Kurogane, but they aren't too much for them both.

Kurogane steps forward to deliver a broad slash that sends the machines closing in on him flying back, knocking the ones right behind them off their feet. Fai stands up, readies his spear, and throws it at the pile of flailing machines, piercing through many of their bodies.

“That’s an interesting way to hack,” Kurogane says, and Fai snorts despite himself.

“Was that a pun, Kuro-rin?” He asks, materializing his spear in his hands again. “I must be dreaming.”

“Androids don’t dream,” Kurogane replies, dodging an enemy bullet and counter-attacking with a sharp thrust of his sword. He briefly turns around to glare at Fai. “Also, call me by my fucking name.”

“Aw, but nicknames are fun!” Fai pouts, throwing his spear again before crouching down to hack another goliath-type.

“Idiot,” is all Kurogane says, his tone not quite fond, but not hostile either.

They’ve been fighting for quite a long while when Fai finally starts noticing the enemy’s numbers have significantly reduced. The androids are not completely surrounded anymore and they have room to breathe in between attacks, but they still stay glued to each other, protecting each other’s backs.

Fai had forgotten how well him and Kurogane fit together. He’d forgotten how effortlessly it is for them to move in tandem, as if they were designed for one another. That’s a foolish line of thinking and Fai hates himself for allowing his thoughts to go there every so often, but sometimes he just can't help it.

He keeps repeating his mistakes over, and over, and over again, and it won’t do. He cannot fail again.

But for now, just for now, he has to focus on the threat in front of him. They finish the last machine lifeforms quickly and efficiently, Fai killing the last one by firing a small laser at it.

There’s an almost eerie silence after that that makes Fai feel as if time has stopped, but Kurogane breaks it soon.

“Is that all of them?” He asks, patting his pants to get some of the sand off of them.

Fai makes Mokona scan the area for any remaining enemy signals, and to his great relief, he finds there are none.

“Yes, we’ve fended them off.” Fai sighs and slumps on the rock, running a hand through his hair and then twirling the end of his ponytail around a finger. “I guess that went pretty well, all things considered.”

“Because it was two of us fighting together,” Kurogane says, frowning. “What the hell was that reluctance to fight all about, scanner?”

Fai forgets to put on the mask for a second because it’s way too soon for Kurogane to have started acknowledging them working better as a team, and it’s way too soon for him to start prodding and pushing for explanations. He’s been caught off guard by that, and now Kurogane crosses his arms and waits for an explanation that Fai will not—cannot—give. He opens his mouth to articulate an excuse that won’t convince anyone when Kurogane’s pod beeps, projecting a small screened hologram of his operator.

“Operator Tomoyo to Kurogane,” the operator says, her usually chipper voice uncharacteristically serious.

“This is Kurogane,” Kurogane acknowledges. “Come through.”

“Be aware that the following transmission is classified,” she warns. “A group of YoRHa fighters deployed to the city ruins have deserted. You are our only units in that area, so we need you to dispose of them immediately.”

Kurogane looks at Fai for a few seconds, seemingly debating whether he should keep prodding for answers or leave it all be. As expected, the soldier’s sense of duty wins over.

“Understood,” he says, cocking his head in a way that tells Fai to get a move on. Fai nods and gets off the rock, opening his map and looking for nearby black box signals.

“Be careful, okay?” Tomoyo says.

“You don't have to tell me that,” Kurogane replies before hanging up. He turns to look at Fai. “Let's go.”

 

* * *

 

_His partner lowered his goggles and fixed him with a stare Fai couldn’t quite confront. The trust and affection in eyes that shone red was truly overwhelming, and Fai had to close his eyes briefly to avoid confronting it._

_“It’s been an honor fighting with you,” Kurogane said, a sincere smile tugging at his lips._

_And just like that, Fai’s walls came crumbling down. He let the facade drop and tentatively looked up at the only one that made life make sense. His eyes were teary, yet he smiled as he took his black box in hand, extending it towards Kurogane._

_“Likewise,” he said, choking on the word when Kurogane’s smile widened, because he knew the happiness radiating from the other’s expression was due to Fai’s own honesty. Being trusted made Kurogane happy, and he didn’t have to say that for Fai to know it to be true._

_“I finally see you,” Kurogane said, reaching out with his own black box in hand._

_“You’ve always seen me,” Fai replied, breaching the distance between their boxes._

_The last thing he saw before the explosion was Kurogane’s smile, and Fai wished to never wake up again. He wanted that smile to be the last thing he beheld in his existence._

_The explosion began at the tips of their fingers, and then swallowed them whole._

 

* * *

 

Fai raises his spear to block the thrust of a longsword that would have cut him in half if it hit. He twists his wrist to bring his spear down and drag the attacker’s blade with it, and he steps on the sword when his opponent loses her balance, pushing the android to the ground alongside it. He hears something behind him, and he turns around to see another android aiming a huge gauntlet at him. He has no room to dodge in his current position, so he closes his eyes and braces for the impact. However, the blow never comes, and when he opens his eyes again he sees Kurogane has intercepted the attack. His partner lowers his body to deliver an upper slash that doesn’t kill, but it makes the opponent stagger enough for Kurogane to hack at him again.

“Don’t touch him!”

Fai turns around to see his enraged opponent swinging at him with a smaller sword than the one he’s pinned to the ground. Her movements are suddenly slower, so he dodges effortlessly while still keeping his foot on the longsword. He can tell this android is strong and experienced in combat, especially in comparison to her partner, but she seems to have lost her cool the instant Kurogane wounded the android she deserted with. She has suddenly become a much easier target. She swings at him again and Fai ducks, reaching for her sword’s hilt and driving his other fist into her wrist. Taken by surprise, the android’s grip on it loosens, allowing Fai to take it for himself.

It takes a quick snap of the wrist and a shallow thrust from below for him to plunge the sword through the android’s neck. She gags, blood pouring from her mouth, and Fai kicks her stomach to get her off her own sword. She falls to the ground.

“Ara… shi…” the male android says, stunned. Fai turns around to look at him, and the grief in his expression gives Fai a sudden but overwhelming feeling of guilt. Grief turns into rage, and the man reaches up to grab his goggles and lower them from his teary eyes. “You… You’ll pay for th—”

The man is silenced when Kurogane slashes his back from behind. He falls on his knees, and Kurogane stabs him through the stomach. He leans forward and vomits blood on the ground.

“Why did you desert?” Kurogane asks, keeping his sword where it is. “Why did you betray us?”

All the man does is reach out to his partner’s corpse with a shaky hand. His face is stained with both tears and blood.

“Arashi… my world… my… everyth… ing…”

It’s only then that Fai notices the glow emanating from the android’s chest. His eyes widen, and he snaps his head up to look at Kurogane, who is staring down at the body he’s stabbing with a sad expression. Fai understands that sadness, but at the moment he feels nothing but urgency.

“He’s gonna self destruct!” He yells, reaching for his partner. To do what, he doesn’t know, his body moves on its own. He can’t think. “Kuro—”

All Fai can do when the android’s black box goes off is raise his arms to shield himself from the explosion. His body is thrown back, and he grunts as he collides roughly against the corpse of the female android. He feels the blood soak his back as smoke and debris engulfs him.

“Mokona, run a quick system check,” he mumbles into his glove, trying not to ingest any of the smoke to avoid any further damage to his circuits.

“Everything’s fine!” Mokona chirps, her tone a crude contrast with the current situation that it makes Fai cringe. “Damage is only external!”

“And Kuro-sama?”

“Black box signal detected just ahead!”

He’d told himself he wouldn’t be so attached this time, he’d sworn to keep his distance. And yet, in spite of himself, relief floods through him. In spite of himself, a tinge of worry still remains. He can’t help it; he gets up hurriedly and blindly advances through the smoke to get to his partner.

“Hey, scanner!” Kurogane’s voice calls from more distance than Fai had initially expected. He must have been thrown back by the explosion as well. “You okay?”

“Yes!” He answers. “You?”

“I don’t know. Lil’ help here?”

Fai frowns. Kurogane isn’t one to shine light upon his injuries, and he isn’t one to ask for help with them either. This issue has brought endless frustration to Fai in the past, so the fact that his partner is asking for help right now is worrisome to say the least. He jogs towards the direction of the voice, and loses his footing when he trips over a sword. He catches himself before he can fall directly onto Kurogane, who is sprawled across the scorched ground. Fai waves his hands in a futile attempt to dissipate the smoke and tries to take a good look. While most of Kurogane’s skin is burnt and scratched off, he seems well enough. At least, that’s what he thinks until the smoke clears enough to reveal the android’s full body.

“Oh…” Fai gasps, kneeling on Kurogane’s side. “Your arm.”

“I can’t see shit, how bad is it?” Kurogane asks, trying to crane his neck. Fai reaches forward and cradles the back of his head, helping him sit up a little. “Oh. That’s bad.”

“...it is.”

Kurogane shifts and moves his left shoulder, but he stops halfway and winces.

“Yeah, it’s gone. Fucking hell.”

Fai lowers his head and inspects the damage more thoroughly. The left arm, the one he was using to hold the deserter down, is completely gone. The explosion must have blown it off, since what is left of Kurogane’s shoulder is scorched beyond belief. There are some gaping holes on his side that expose his inner circuits as well. The blood running through their circuits isn’t just for show; it is implemented in their system to have a similar function than the one it had in humans, and it’s leaking steadily from Kurogane’s side. The situation is bad, much worse than expected.

But the damage seems only external, and most importantly, salvageable. Kurogane doesn’t have to die, not from something like this.

“Mokona, patch me through to Chii,” he commands.

“Roger!” Mokona says before making a small beeping sound and going quiet.

“This is Operator Chii. Hi, Fai,” Chii greets from the other end of the line.

“Hey, I’m going to need you to send me some materials. Kuro-sama has been badly damaged and I don’t deem it safe to transfer his data to the bunker or to bring him physically via flight unit. I’m afraid the Resistance camp may not have all the materials I need to repair him.”

“That’s okay, though they may take a while,” Chii explains. “You know how hectic things have been with the machines lately, so we’re running low on supplies.”

“May we halt mission activity until I can repair him, then?” Fai asks, frowning at the small hologram of Chii Mokona is projecting.

“You’ll have to ask the Commander for that, Fai.”

“Right, I will when we get to safety. And I’ll email you which materials I need when I can check what Syaoran has in the camp.”

“Okay, be safe! Operator Chii, out.”

The line closes, and Fai sighs. He doesn’t think Yuuko will react well to Fai going through so much effort just to keep Kurogane alive in such a broken body, but he won’t back down from asking. They’ve disposed of the deserters, she ought to be satisfied with that. Plus, she’s shown signs of empathy before. He hopes that makes her overlook the fact that he’s showing genuine concern and kindness towards Kurogane’s wellbeing—which isn’t something he’s been prohibited to do, but it is clear that it compromises mission efficiency.

He knows it’s a horrible decision himself, really, but he’ll indulge himself this one time. This is his last chance after all, and he can’t stand to watch Kurogane be torn apart without a valid reason. He won’t let his partner die a single second earlier than he should.

“You’re quiet,” he comments, meeting Kurogane’s piercing stare with a smile. The goggles have been torn and they’ve slipped from his head, so Fai can see his eyes. “And staring. Do you have something to say?”

“You killed that android without hesitating,” Kurogane says.

Fai keeps smiling. “Were those not our orders?”

“You say you stay back in battle because you’re not a combat model and you’re scared, but you were lethal just now. One strike to the neck and she was down.”

“I’ve killed machines in one strike too. You’ve seen me do that just a few hours ago.”

“But this was an android,” Kurogane goes on, his expression unreadable. “One of your own. Yet you didn’t hesitate at all.”

Fai purses his lips. He should be used to this by now, his mask should be unbreakable at this point, and yet he finds it absurdly difficult to keep it up. He feels extremely vulnerable under the pressure of that gaze and those words.

“What should I have done, then?” He asks, his tone getting slightly defensive. “Let her kill us? Let her escape?”

“Relax, that’s not it,” Kurogane says, closing his eyes and letting the weight of his head rest fully on Fai’s hand. It’s an oddly tender gesture, and Fai has to fight the urge to pull away and let Kurogane’s head fall to the ground. “I hesitated and stabbed the one I was fighting in a non-vital point. I wouldn’t be in this situation if I had gone for the neck like you did.”

Bewildered, Fai looks at his partner. Kurogane’s expression betrays nothing, and he has no idea how to reply to that. He has no idea how to feel about it, because Kurogane’s onto him, but he’s praising him at the same time, and he feels _warm_.

“I’m saying you did good,” Kurogane adds when it becomes clear that Fai won’t reply, and he is so conflicted he wants to cry.

Kurogane’s words say _‘You did good like you never do. You’ve been hiding your competency from me and I’ve seen through you’_ , so Fai is wary, he _has_ to be wary, he has to smile and lie and rush to the Resistance camp because Kurogane is still injured and he must be in pain. However, Kurogane’s words are also genuine praise because he respects strength and the desire to live and protect, and Fai knows that. He knows that he’s pleased Kurogane, that he’s started to show the qualities this android always ends up loving him for, and he stays glued to the ground because he can’t move, he can’t deal with this.

Every time it happens, every time he sees Kurogane inevitably start warming up to him, he feels himself shattering. He hopes that one day he will be so broken that the android he loves more than anything in the world will fully, wholeheartedly despise him.

 

* * *

 

_He couldn’t do it. His hands were resting on Kurogane’s back and all he had to do was push lightly to get the other man to fall off the edge and crash down into the sharp rocks and the biting waves of the ocean. But he couldn’t do it._

_“I trust you,” Kurogane said, and Fai clenched his fists around the fabric on Kurogane’s back._

_“Don’t,” he breathed._

_“Don’t what? Say that, or trust you?”_

_Fai grit his teeth and applied the slightest bit of pressure to Kurogane’s back. The android let the other’s weight tilt him forward, but he stayed glued to his spot. A few seconds passed, and then he turned around, making Fai flinch and retreat. Fai was stopped by a hand on his elbow, however, and he made a noise of surprise when he was pulled into a tight embrace._

_“Let me go,” he whispered, his thoughts racing._

_Kurogane pulled back a little and retreated one of his hands, but instead of letting him go, he tightened the arm he had around Fai’s waist and raised the other to lower his goggles. Fai brought both hands up to stop him, and Kurogane sighed._

_“Let me see your eyes,” he said._

_“No. Why? You can already see one.”_

_“They’re pretty and I want to see both of them. I don’t get why you only cover one, honestly.”_

_Fai’s answer died in his throat and his grip on Kurogane’s wrist loosened, giving the other android the chance to uncover his left eye. Fai looked up at him just as Kurogane undid his own goggles, and his breath hitched when he saw his partner’s loving smile and warm gaze. Kurogane leaned down to place a soft kiss on Fai’s left eyelid._

_“I trust you, Fai,” he said._

_Fai couldn’t take it anymore. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t. He couldn’t win against Kurogane, not when he said this, not when he did this, not when he knew Fai was out to hurt him yet placed his trust in him without saying a single word about his betrayal. He grabbed Kurogane by the collar, dragged him downwards and kneed his stomach. When Kurogane groaned and let go of him, Fai closed his eyes and jumped off the edge. He drowned out the sound of Kurogane screaming his name._

_He opened his eyes when strong arms wrapped around him and his weight was flipped over. Before he could do as much as react, Kurogane’s body hit the sharp rocks, being pierced and torn apart in the process of shielding Fai from the fall._

_Fai wanted to ask why, but he choked on his words because it had happened again, and this time it had been so much worse than any other. Kurogane couldn’t have answered anyway, because he was already dead, because his life was the most fragile thing Fai had ever witnessed._

_Yet he’d come back, of course he would, and Fai would kill him again and again. Only next time, he wouldn’t let him get that close. He couldn’t go through this all again._

_He couldn’t do this to someone that loved him again._

 

* * *

 

Fai leans forward to get a closer look at the way Kurogane is flexing and unflexing his fingers. It’s a bit bizarre to see Kurogane’s new arm without the synthetic skin coating it, but it’s normal to want to test it out first to see if there’s anything that needs to be changed before applying the skin layer.

“How does it feel, Kurogane?” Syaoran asks, taking his old-fashioned goggles off and letting them rest around his neck.

Kurogane swings his arm to the side a couple of times, and he frowns.

“I wanna test it out in combat. Spar with me, kid.”

“Huh? Ah, sure.” Syaoran looks around until he spots his sword, scrambling to retrieve it.

Fai knows that Resistance androids aren’t advanced enough to be able to materialize their weapons as long as they’re in the vicinity like YoRHa androids can, but he is still surprised everytime he sees it. Being a Resistance android seems so inconvenient, yet he never hears them complain.

“Syaoran is amazing,” he says, and he smiles when Sakura nods enthusiastically.

“Isn’t he?” she beams, lightly bouncing on the spot with excitement. Fai reaches out to pat her hair.

“I couldn’t have reconstructed Kuro-ron’s arm that well with those materials even if I had years of time at my disposal,” he says. His smile widens when Kurogane makes a broad swing of his sword that almost cuts Syaoran’s arm off. “Hey! Don’t be so rough with him when he just gave you that arm for free!” he tells his partner, snickering.

“As if the kid isn’t quick enough to dodge that,” Kurogane retorts, swinging again. This time, Syaoran parries the blow with his own sword and only stumbles a little. “See?”

That’s not the issue, but Fai doesn’t say anything because Sakura giggles, and he smiles down at her. He offers her a hand and bows a little.

“Let’s get out of their way, hm?” he says in response to the girl’s questioning look. “I’m afraid we’ll end up being caught up in their overenthusiastic sparring.”

She nods. “Okay.”

Sakura takes Fai’s hand and leans her weight on his arm as she stands. He puts his other hand on her shoulder and helps her walk. Her limp has been getting worse lately, but they still manage to make it to a large crate she can sit on. She scoots over to leave him some room to sit, and he happily complies, wrapping an arm around her thin shoulders and bringing her close to his side.

“You know,” he speaks up, “Syaoran’s done such an amazing job with that arm.” He waits until Sakura looks up at him with her big green eyes to keep on talking. “How come you won’t get that leg of yours fixed? I’m sure he’s more than skillful enough to do so, and I could help you gather the materials.”

Sakura averts her gaze to look at Syaoran, her expression becoming somber in the blink of an eye. It’s like his words have ripped off a mask Fai had never noticed on her before, and he has to bite his lip to avoid making a surprised noise. He’s always so fixated on maintaining his own mask that he never ends up noticing those other people wear.  

“Do you know anything about the Tsubasa models?” Sakura asks, her eyes distant and her voice small, almost drowned out by the sound of swords clashing.

“No, I don’t,” he answers truthfully. He lets his own smile drop, willing to respond to Sakura’s sincerity with sincerity of his own. “My knowledge is quite limited to YoRHa models and machine lifeforms. I don’t… have much time to stray from my mission and expand on that knowledge.”

Sakura doesn’t ask about his mission because Sakura is the kindest android to ever grace the Earth and she never, ever asks what she believes Fai doesn’t want to answer. She doesn’t ask why Fai keeps appearing in the Resistance Camp with different Kurogane models, and she plays along with his farce of being strangers in front of his partner. He wonders if she’s been programmed to be highly empathetic, but she never asks anything he won’t tell, so he doesn’t either. He waits for her answers, giving that patient little android all the patience he can offer.

“Syaoran and I, we’re both really old models,” she starts. “We were manufactured together under the name Tsubasa, you see, so in one way or another our models were always attached at the hip. The names Syaoran and Sakura… we don’t know which pair of androids started it, but we suspect they’re names we gave to each other. We were combat models, always on the front-lines of the Resistance.”

“But you’re both maintenance androids now…” Fai says, frowning. “What happened?”

“I… I don’t know, not exactly.” Sakura shrugs and smiles sadly, and Fai wants to wipe that expression off her face really badly. “I’ve heard that pair of Tsubasa models went berserk in the past. They… well, it is said that they jeopardized a crucial mission so they could desert together and escape the fighting. They were the core of the strategy of the mission, and those actions cost the lives of almost the entirety of the Resistance members on the continent.”

“On the continent?” Fai asks, frowning. “How is that even possible with just two deserters?”

“It was the consequences,” Sakura replies. “YoRHa didn’t exist back then and our models were often the main offensive force in every squad. But when those two deserted, the news spread fast. To ensure that the same thing wouldn’t happen again, the resistance members tried to tear apart the other Tsubasa pairs.” For a brief moment, Sakura’s expression turns sweet and coy. “It seems that Syaoran and I can’t take being apart at all, however. The Tsubasa models continued disobeying by sticking together, distrust was built, and this distrust eventually led to persecution.”

“So they tried to wipe out their strongest weapons?”

She shakes her head.

“Not exactly. We were chased out and reprogrammed. Us Tsubasa models underwent a full memory wipe, so all we remember is what has been told to us and what we feel towards each other. We’re still strong in combat, as you can see.” She gestures towards Syaoran, who thrusts his sword so quickly Kurogane barely manages to dodge it. “But we were tasked with maintenance and armory management from that point on. Can’t really desert if you’re not actually fighting, you see?”

Fai contemplates her words, looking at Syaoran as he spars with a determined look on his face. He’s good, but his movements are oddly stiff for an android, so he assumes the reprogramming must have affected his coordination skills as well. But he often insists on—and rejoices in— sparring with Kurogane, which has always stricken Fai as strange. He knows Kurogane trains because YoRHa androids derive pleasure from fighting, but androids are either strong or weak, they don’t spar or train to improve themselves. The concept of improvement in that sense is, in and of itself, profoundly human.

Alongside Kurogane, Sakura and Syaoran are the only androids that give him a nostalgic feeling that reminds him of what he knows of humanity, and he never knows how to deal with that. That line of thought is terribly complicated, and Fai already has enough complicated stuff to deal with. He isn’t Kurogane. He won’t push.

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, Sakura,” he says, petting her hair softly.

“ _Have_ to go through that,” she corrects, smiling sadly. “The older Resistance models still remember and still resent, and us… we’re still repenting for sins we didn’t even commit. Yet we feel responsible, you know? It may not have been us per se, but it was still us. So, if someone hurts me, if they wound my leg and cripple me…” She places a hand over her bad knee. “Then I keep the injury. To remember. To let others know that I remember.”

Fai purses his lips.

“Sakura, dear, you shouldn’t do that,” he says, looking down at his lap. “That sense of responsibility—”

“Isn’t that different from yours, is it?” She interrupts, reaching up to take the hand he’s using to comfort her and giving it a squeeze.

“No, it is.” He smiles and wraps his arms around her, hugging her close. He whispers, “we’re burdened in very different ways, my princess.”

“Please,” she giggles. “I only sell chips and repair pods. No kingdoms here, Fai.”

“Maybe we’ll have kingdoms again when the humans come back from the moon,” Fai says. “And then we can make you a real princess! Kuro-tan and I can be your retainers.”

“I don’t think it’s that simple,” she replies, laughter lacing her voice. She still humors him by asking, “What about Syaoran?”

“Why, your consort, of course.”

It doesn’t work like that and they both know it, but they laugh at their silly scenario, one embarrassed and the other endeared. Humans coming back is nothing more than an unrealistic dream Fai gave up ages ago.

‘No kingdoms here,’ Sakura has said. No kings or gods either. Just androids, machines, and a world full of scraps. Meaningless existences pursuing meaningless dreams. Except…

“Sakura, can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Where does Syaoran fall into this? Into your life?”

Sakura hums and taps her chin with a finger. She looks at him and smiles brightly.

“He makes it all worth it. I wouldn’t mind if the only purpose of my existence was to fight all odds alongside him.” Once again, she drapes a small hand over one of Fai’s and squeezes gently. “What about Kurogane, Fai? Where does he fall into your life?”

Fai feels as if his chest has been hollowed out. He smiles and says nothing, and watches Sakura’s own smile slowly fall. She doesn’t speak anymore either, and the only sounds that fill their ears are the clashing of Syaoran’s and Kurogane’s swords. Sakura doesn’t let go of his hand.

 

* * *

 

_Fai stood still when he saw the machine’s incoming attack. He didn’t flinch or retreat, he made no attempts to dodge or parry the blow._

_When Kurogane stepped in front of him to take the blow, it didn’t come as a surprise. He watched the machine’s axe piercing and tearing through skin and metal, and still didn’t move. Kurogane managed to kill the machine even when its weapon was stuck in his body, but when he turned around to look at Fai, he pushed him away, taking another blow from a machine attacking from the other direction._

Yes _, Fai thought as Kurogane shielded him from every incoming attack._ It’s easier this way. It’s better this way.

_Even when Kurogane’s lifeless body was laying at his feet, Fai did not move._

_Even when the machines switched their attention to him, Fai did not move. His memories were backed up anyway, so what was the point of defending himself?_

_What was the point of fighting for a life that kept on going in a meaningless cycle? Kurogane was stupid. Kurogane was very, very stupid._

_There was nothing more pointless than protecting Fai._

 

* * *

 

In the end, it has taken two whole months for Kurogane’s arm to be constructed from scratch. Fai and Syaoran worked as quickly as they could, but the lack of available materials really hampered the process. Fai will never admit this, but he is almost glad for those two months of relative peace. He’s never spent so long out of danger, and spending all that time with Kurogane and the kids has felt wonderful.

Thankfully, Commander Yuuko hasn’t complained about their lack of activity during Kurogane’s recovery, but she’s informed them in advance that the YoRHa forces have reached a stalemate. More and more androids are getting ambushed and crushed by the machine lifeforms, and materials to repair the wounded are harder to come across by the day. Fai and Kurogane have lived a surprisingly calm couple of months, but that was because they’d been hiding with the Resistance. They’ve still been regularly informed of the strange machine behavior that has plunged the surface into chaos. Machines have become much more hostile and have developed a tendency to go berserk, launching kamikaze attacks and wandering around the places where YoRHa androids can gather materials to repair the injured.

Kurogane’s theory is that the machines have figured out that YoRHa soldiers are much more dangerous than any other type of androids, so they’ve focused all their energy to cutting down their numbers. The Commander has been informing them about an operation to counter the machine lifeforms that will be taking place in a week, and when discussing the intel that has been gathered, she confirmed Kurogane’s suspicions.

The pair have been called to come to the bunker for the first time in two months, and they’re now standing in the Command room, which is packed with other androids. Excluding the Commander and the operators, the room has always been pretty empty, but now it seems that most—if not all—of the YoRHa forces have been called to arms.

“So, as we already discussed,” Yuuko says, “we’ll be conducting an all-out attack on the machine lifeforms in the city ruins. We’re done with the planning, so your respective operators will send you the mission information and your roles in it via mail. You have a week to prepare.”

“Understood,” Kurogane says, bowing slightly.

“I hope you know how important this mission is,” Yuuko stresses, directing her gaze at Fai. He thinks he sees a flicker of concern in her eyes, but he doesn’t let himself dwell on it. He gets the message as it is. “Failure is not an option.”

“Of course, Commander,” Fai responds, serious.

“You’re dismissed,” the commander says, turning around to face the table of operations.

Both androids take that as a sign to go check their mails at the nearest access point. They make their way through the crowded bunker, pushing past other androids until they reach the row of access points located in the main hallway. Luckily, they’re not occupied, so Fai opens the mail Chii has sent him and starts reading.

The first few lines explaining the mission in broad terms are within Fai’s expectations, so he skims through them to reach his and Kurogane’s role. His eyes widen, and he rereads the lines, puzzled.

“This is fishy,” Kurogane says next to him. Fai turns to look at his partner, who’s looking at his own access point with a prominent scowl. “This isn’t the kind of orders they’d give for an all-out attack on the enemy.”

Fai doesn’t reply. He feels confusion mixed with foreboding, and although he’s never been one to like being put in dangerous situations, he starts dreading this operation more than any other he’s taken part in.

 

* * *

 

_Fai only needed to stab Kurogane once or twice, but he kept going. He brought down his sword to the other’s chest another time, and another, and another, and another. The limp, bloodied body jerked violently with each stab._

_Kurogane may have screamed in pain or he may have been long dead, but Fai couldn’t tell, because he was screaming and sobbing over the noise of blade meeting artificial flesh._

_Fai couldn’t tell, because Fai was laughing, dropping his sword and raising his hands to his face, smearing Kurogane’s blood all over his features._

_Fai couldn’t tell. He hugged Kurogane’s body close and clung onto it for a long time._

 

* * *

 

Kurogane doesn’t knock on Fai’s door when he enters his room in the bunker, so Fai turns around on his bed to face the wall. Today is the day they carry out their all-out attack against the machines, but they still have a couple of hours left until they have to descend to the surface. Fai wants to be left to his own devices so he can wallow in his misery until he has to head into a battle he knows Kurogane won’t come out from unscathed.

“Scanner,” Kurogane calls. When Fai doesn’t reply, Kurogane kicks the bed. “Don’t ignore me.”

“I’m resting, leave me alone,” he says, putting in the effort to make his voice sound pouty and childish instead of depressed.

“Androids don’t need rest.”

“I do, I’m a special model.” Fai turns around to face Kurogane, but he keeps his eyes closed. “I was programmed to require rest to function. I cannot be on top of my game without rest. I’m practically human.”

“You’re certainly as stupid as one.”

Fai opens his eyes and looks up at Kurogane, who is extending a hand as if Fai is supposed to reach up and grab it. Fai frowns, because despite how weak he pretends he is, he really doesn’t need anyone to hoist him up and help him get out of bed. He’s an android, a YoRHa android, his body isn’t tied to physics in the same way that the bodies of humans were. Yet Kurogane extends his hand, and Fai takes it.

 _You’re the one who’s like a human_ , Fai wants to tell his partner once he’s been hoisted up and they stand on even ground. _Your every action mirrors what I’ve read from the records of the old world._

“So is stupidity what you associate with our creators?” He asks instead, reaching up to tie his hair back. “Poor humans.”

Kurogane shrugs. “If they were smarter, maybe they would’ve managed not to become extinct.”

Fai drops his hair tie, and he gapes at Kurogane. He feels like he’s been shot right in his black box, and he panics. The only thought going through his head is _how does he know how does he know how does he know_ , and he has to grab onto his desk so he doesn’t fall to his knees when the realization hits him.

_He knows. I have to kill him now. He knows._

_But it’s so soon. It’s too soon._

Fai should’ve kept ignoring Kurogane. If he hadn’t taken his hand, things wouldn’t have turned out like this, at least not for a little while. He could’ve kept pretending that he was a simple scanner with a simple life whose lies were innocent and harmless. He could’ve kept pretending that he hadn’t ruined the last chance he was given.

“I’m kidding.”

Fai blinks, confused, and looks up at his partner. Kurogane arches an eyebrow.

“You didn’t seriously believe me, did you?” His partner crosses his arms. “It was a joke.”

A joke? What kind of cruel joke was that? Kurogane didn't make that kind of joke. This isn’t— he’s lying. Kurogane never lies, but right now he’s lying.

But if he isn’t… Fai can’t just kill Kurogane before such an important operation. Kurogane’s one of the strongest combat models in all of YoRHa, he can’t sacrifice him for something that may not be actually true. Sakura’s tale still weighs on his mind too, and he can’t compromise an operation so big like the Tsubasa models did, no matter how close Kurogane is to the truth. He clenches his fists and forces a smile on his face.

“I think our senses of humor don’t align, Kuro-sama,” he says, trying his hardest to make his voice come out even.

“Probably not,” Kurogane replies, looking at him dead in the eye, serious—challenging. “I said humans are stupid because of the wars they fought back in the day and why they fought them. Every time I read about them it feels more and more ridiculous.”  

There is a lot left unspoken and Fai isn’t buying it, but he keeps on smiling and nods.

“That I agree on, but it’s not like us androids don’t start skirmishes over ridiculous stuff.”

“Skirmishes are one thing, wars are another. We do seem to love repeating our creators’ mistakes, though.”

Fai shrugs, looking down at his feet.

“It’s how we were made. We were modeled to resemble humans in every way possible. If they could make us bleed and cry, it’s obvious they’d make us repeat their mistakes.”

“Humans sure were selfish beings.”

“That may be,” Fai says, a bitter smile making its way to his lips. “But their selfishness has made us who we are. Even if they only did it just so we could always be motivated to eradicate the machine lifeforms, they programmed us to always love them and long for them. I can’t imagine living without that feeling.”

“But that should’ve been our choice,” Kurogane murmurs, letting out a big sigh and sitting on Fai’s bed. “Creating this longing for something so out of our reach isn’t only selfish, it’s downright cruel.”

Fai looks down at this hands. Kurogane’s right; it is cruel, exceedingly so. He remembers when he was handed the classified documents about project YoRHa by Commander Yuuko, how helpless and lost he’d felt when he realized that humanity had already been extinct for thousands of years, that humans never actually fled to the moon and that he was protecting an Earth that would never see its masters again. Knowing that this longing for humanity would forever remain unfulfilled had made him long for the touch of other androids even more than he already did, and perhaps that is the worst part of it all for Fai.

If he had not longed for Kurogane’s love and respect as much as he does, his mission would have been much easier.

“Even if it’s cruel, they had to make sure we wouldn’t stop fighting,” Fai says, shrugging. “We can’t stop fighting. Our existence has no purpose if we stop.”

“That’s bull,” Kurogane retorts, making Fai look up at him. He wishes he could see his eyes to be able to gauge his emotions better, but the other android has no reason to take his goggles off. “You seriously believe that? That we can’t make our own purpose? Or that we need one at all?”

Fai scoffs and shakes his head.

“Saying stuff like this… That’s so like you, Kuro-sama.” He shakes his head again. “But we can’t all be like you.”

“I’m not asking you to be like me, I’m just saying that our supposed purpose is a load of crap, and that instead of fighting for the illusion of humans I’d rather fight for someone I lo—”

Fai bangs a fist on his desk.

“What are you _saying_?” He interrupts harshly, refusing to let Kurogane finish that sentence. He doesn’t want to hear it, not now, not ever. “We have a mission, and we will do our best to accomplish it. Now leave, I want to rest before the operation begins.”

“Rest? You don’t need—”

“ _Leave_.”

Kurogane stays still and stares at him for a small moment, but he eventually gets up and walks out of his room, saying nothing more. Only then does Fai let his knees buckle and bring him to the ground. He lets out a bitter chuckle and brings a hand to his eyes.

_Instead of fighting for the illusion of humans I’d rather fight for someone I love._

He chuckles again, and drags the hand down his face.

“He really does know, doesn’t he?” He whispers to himself. “Even though it’s so soon…”

Fai stays hunched on the floor of his room until the server administrator plays a transmission, commanding all YoRHa units to proceed with pre-programmed instructions and carry out the operation. It takes him a minute to find the strength for it, but he gets up and leaves without looking back.

 

* * *

 

_“I hate to keep on killing you,” Fai admitted, not bothering to hide the violent shaking of the blade he was pointing at Kurogane’s throat. “I hate it so much.”_

_Kurogane looked at him, impassive._

_“You don’t have to do it.”_

_“I do!” He drove the blade forward, giving a shallow cut to Kurogane’s artificial skin. “I do.”_

_Kurogane reached up and grabbed the blade. He didn’t pull it away, but he held it in place hard enough for blood to ebb from his hand._

_“You don’t,” he repeated. “Look at me, Fai.You don’t have to do this.”_

_Fai let out a strangled noise and then plunged the sword forward with all his strength. He twisted it around once it pierced Kurogane’s neck, and he pushed it to the side to snap the circuits there._

_He was already sobbing when he caught Kurogane’s fall and gently lowered him to the ground. The other android was still alive, and he looked like he was in pain. Fai laughed bitterly, tears clouding his vision._

_“Ah,” he said, “another slow death... “ He took Kurogane’s wounded hand and brought it to his face, kissing it softly and letting his tears run through his partner’s fingers. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry… Kuro… I...” He inhaled sharply and leaned down to kiss the other’s lips instead of his hand. It was gentle, clumsy, and broken. Kurogane made a strangled noise, the only thing he could muster when half of his throat was torn open. “I can’t take this anymore.”_

_“F- ah…” Kurogane choked, and Fai silenced him with another kiss, pressing one hand on the wound he himself had inflicted._

_“You be the one to kill me next time,” he whispered against his partner’s lips. “The moment I’m about to kill you, you kill me instead.”_

_It seemed like Kurogane wanted to shake his head but didn’t have the strength to do so. Fai smiled sadly, the tears running down his cheeks falling on the other android’s bloodstained face. Saying all of this was pointless. It only hurt Kurogane more, and he wouldn’t remember any of it when he was rebooted._

_But Fai couldn’t take it, not anymore. He was a coward that couldn’t even off himself properly and he knew that he would try to kill Kurogane again, so all he could do was beg for his beloved to be the one to end his life instead. Even if it didn’t work, even if it was all for naught, it was the only thing he could do._

_He pressed his forehead to Kurogane’s, and although he couldn’t tell if his partner was still alive or not, he begged once more._

_“Please, Kurogane. Put an end to me. Please.”_

 

* * *

 

Fai dodges a kick and delivers a kick of his own, sending the machine lifeform attacking him flying towards the edge of the rooftop.

“Don’t engage in combat, Fai, you have to hack them or they’ll just keep reappearing!” Chii says from the other end of the line, and Fai almost groans. He only holds back because Chii is a nice girl that doesn’t deserve him lashing out at her just because of his foul mood.

“It was self-defense!” He still says as he extends his hands and hacks into the machine.

He locates the anti-air system within the machine’s internal network and promptly shuts it down. Once he’s done, the machine falls to the ground, limp, and he gets up from his crouching position. Mokona beeps twice, and he looks at the hologram screen projection to see a familiar face on it.

“Watanuki to Fai, come in,” the other scanner greets.

“Fai here, go ahead,” he says in reply.

“I’m just about wrapped up here, how about you?”

“All done!”

“Roger. Be sure to sync your data to the bunker.”

“Oh, right, I forgot about that,” he says. He’s been so preoccupied with Kurogane he’s pretty much forgotten about his duties as a scanner.  

“Don’t sweat it, it’s the Commander’s fault,” Watanuki says with a bitter tone, and Fai almost chuckles. It’s clearly his own fault, but it’s just like Watanuki to blame everything on Yuuko. “Still, until all combat data is uploaded, none of us scanners can run updates.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’ll take care of it before catching up with my partner.”

“Appreciated,” Watanuki says before closing the line.

Fai jumps off the roof and grabs onto Mokona to cushion the fall. He lands and runs towards the nearest access point, quickly uploading his data to the bunker when he reaches it. He opens his map and sees a red dot on the south-west of the city ruins, marking the position where he’s supposed to rendezvous with Kurogane, so starts making his way towards it. He can hear the sound of fighting, meaning he’s right on time. It takes him only a few minutes before he’s climbing up a torn bridge, and he soon sees a few flight units nearing the surface. He grabs onto a railing to keep steady when Kurogane’s lands in front of him and the android steps out of it.

“What’s our status?” Kurogane asks brusquely.

Fai can’t describe how thankful he is that his partner is being professional and sticking to the mission. It’s the first time they’ve seen each other since they had that argument in Fai’s room, so he was dreading the idea of things getting personal again.

“The operation is underway,” he explains. “Us scanners have finished shutting down the enemy’s anti-air system, and a few squadrons have already engaged the enemy. Since we’re acting as a small guerilla unit, our orders are to provide support to other squadrons when they need it.”

“I still think that it’s fishy that we weren’t assigned a squadron,” Kurogane says, crossing his arms.  

“I know it’s an odd choice, and believe me, I’m just as in the dark as you are,” Fai says, running a hand through his hair. He _is_ in the dark as to why they’ve been given this special treatment when the mission has nothing to do with intel gathering and is just an all-out attack, and it _is_ extremely fishy and making him nervous, but… “But orders are orders.”

Kurogane stares at him for a long moment, and Fai holds his gaze. If he falters, Kurogane will surely pull a fast one again, and even though Fai already knows things are screwed, he wants to get through this operation before he does anything else. There’s too much at stake.

“That they are,” Kurogane finally says.

Kurogane grabs his longsword and jumps off the bridge. Fai holds back a sigh of relief and silently follows.

They jog quietly through the city ruins, coming across a couple of squadrons that are engaging the enemy but have everything under control. The fighting has just started, so they have to wander around aimlessly for a little while. However, just when Fai starts getting uneasy, Kurogane receives a call through his pod.

“This is unit Souma with vanguard squadron Delta,” the android from the other end of the line says, voice strained. “We’re currently surrounded by a large number of machines that appear to have lost their minds.”

“This is unit Kurogane,” Kurogane replies. “We’re heading over there to provide support.”

“Much appreciated.”

The call ends and Kurogane turns to look at Fai. “Got the coordinates?”

“Vanguard Delta, she said?” He looks at his map. “They’re near the commercial facility. Let’s make haste.”

“That’s right around the corner,” Kurogane says appreciatively, breaking into a quick run that Fai pretends he can’t fully keep up with. He trails behind his partner, leaving a few steps of distance and carefully watching his back.

They pass by swarms of machines and squadrons of fellow androids, but they thankfully manage not to get caught in the crossfire. An explosion makes Fai lose his footing at one point, Kurogane has to slash through an enemy bullet at another, they have to avoid taking a shortcut in order to continue safely, but they arrive at the point near the commercial facility without much trouble. There are two female androids that are fighting back to back, trying to fend off the machines that surround them. Fai can easily spot the android corpses lying around them, and he frowns. If he recalls correctly, the Delta squadrons were composed of two attacker models and four defender models. There’s one attacker and one defender left, which means that three elite defensive models have been disposed of in a very short span of time. For the number of machines, both dead and alive, that Fai can see in the area, it’s concerning to say the least.

“That shouldn’t be all that’s left of the squadron,” he says to Kurogane, grabbing his arm to stop him from charging in. “These machines aren’t normal.”

“Enhanced models?” Kurogane asks, and when Fai nods slowly, he curses under his breath. “That many of them? I heard there had only been two sightings of enhanced models before.”

“Well, here’s the third one,” Fai responds. He lets go of Kurogane’s arm and pats him on the back. “If we wait any longer those two androids will be dead by the time we attack. Be careful, but there’s no need to hold back. I’ll be watching your back.”

Kurogane flashes him an impish grin, and Fai smiles back despite himself. Kurogane hasn’t gotten to experience any action in a long while, and since combat models like him derive intense pleasure from battle, they tend to get a child-like excitement when they go into a serious life-or-death fight. Enhanced models are nothing to smile about, but Fai loves this side of Kurogane. He watches his partner charge in, longsword ready, and plunge it into one of the largest enemies.

“Kurogane?” one of the two androids, the attacker model, asks.

“Souma, right?” Kurogane replies, pulling his sword out of the machine corpse and kicking it to the side. He nears the other androids so he can turn his back on them to have it covered, and he readies his sword again. “Let’s take them out one by one.”

“Alright, thanks for the assist,” Souma says before turning to check on her partner. “Can you hold your ground, Kendappa?”

“Yes,” the defender model replies, raising a broadsword. “Focus on what’s in front of you.”

They don’t get a chance to say anything else, because the machines are closing in again. Letting himself be surrounded by the enhanced machines could seem like an imprudent move on Kurogane’s part, but being completely open wouldn’t help the situation. With this course of action, Fai can tell that he needs to keep hiding and provide support from a careful distance. Plus, Kurogane and Kendappa’s swords have a very long range, and Souma can launch her gauntlets to push the machines back and assure they keep a distance. Still, there’s only so much they can do when surrounded and outnumbered like that, so Fai kneels down to take cover behind a bush and begins hacking into the enemies that are more distant to the three androids. It’d be easier to make them explode, but to avoid calling attention to his presence, he shuts down their circuits, rendering them useless one by one.

It’d be faster for him to join the fray and take them down the old-fashioned way, but there are many things he can’t risk. The more obvious one is the strategy Kurogane is going with, which could go south terribly fast if Fai doesn’t stick to his position. The other one is more personal; even when he knows that there’s no point in holding back around Kurogane any longer, he can’t show too much combat efficiency in front of any other androids. Hiding his true skills may risk the lives of the four of them, but he’s supposed to be a scanner model, and the more ignorant other soldiers are, the better. Still, enhanced units are tough, their circuits are harder to decode and their anti-hacking defenses are much too elaborate. If Fai isn’t careful, it’ll all backfire and he’ll be the one whose circuits take damage.

They cut their numbers little by little, but the machines truly are not normal. They can withstand too many hits, their counter-attacks are too powerful, and they’re faster than they should be. Kurogane’s already taken one bad hit, and the two other androids are barely holding themselves together. Fai finishes shutting down another machine and gives himself a moment to check his surroundings.

Fai’s eyes widen as they lock onto a few flying machines approaching the area. They are carrying other machines, and by the black and red coloring, he can tell they’re enhanced models. Being only four weary androids, there is no way they can handle enemy reinforcements. He immediately scans the area to see if any reinforcements of their own are on the way, but all squadrons are engaging the enemy, and the only guerilla unit available is themselves.

Their chances of survival are slim. The operation was formulated having only common machine lifeforms in mind, after all. None of them are ready for this.

A sense of dread settles over him when he realizes that all that is left for him to do is to contact the bunker and upload his and Kurogane’s data so that their selves are intact when they die on the surface. There is also the option to upload only his own and indirectly kill Kurogane that way, which is preferable since he already knows too much. He ignores the horrible feeling that awakens inside him at that thought and tries to contact Chii through the emergency channel, since the main channel is shut off due to orders to avoid communication with the bunker in order to prevent data leakage. His call doesn’t go through and he frowns, confused. He grabs his pod and scans her quickly, his frown deepening when he confirms that nothing’s wrong with her. He tries to call again, and again, and again, but the emergency channel is completely closed.

Has something happened to the bunker? Or is this on purpose?

Is Fai being disposed of, after all?

Fai clenches his eyes shut and presses a hand on his forehead. There are dozens upon dozens of androids working on this operation. Yuuko has been honest to him for a long time, he has no reason to doubt her when she said she was giving him another chance. He needs to calm down and—

“Scanner!”

Fai whips his head around to look at Kurogane. He doesn’t see him, however, because a machine lifeform is blocking the view as it rapidly approaches. Fai barely has the time to widen his eyes when he sees the machine’s body has been replaced by a ticking bomb before it throws itself at him.

His vision goes white, and he is catapulted off the ground. The pain that hadn’t registered when the explosion went off hits him full force as he collides with the wall of a building and then falls to the ground.

“ _Fai!_ ”

The sound of blade slashing through metal and mechanical bodies being ripped apart fills the air as Fai tries to sit up. He doesn’t do well, the pain that runs through the left half of his body immobilizing him. He needs to get up though, he _needs_ to, because if Kurogane is rushing through the swarm of enhanced machines, leaving his back open and the other two androids a man short, they’re all doomed.

It’s all Fai’s fault for lowering his guard in the first place. It’s all his fault for breaking his promise to watch Kurogane’s back. It’s all his fault for having his mind in other places.

His thoughts weigh on him more than the pain running through his body, and he finds himself giving up. What’s the point, anyway? Command has abandoned them.

But then he hears a crash in the distance, another explosion, and Kurogane letting out a choked scream. That is enough to make him desperately try to sit up again.

A sudden realization comes to him: no matter what he decides to do, he will always have the instinct to protect Kurogane. This is no time to deal with his conflicting feelings though, so he quickly pushes that line of thought away. Doing that is what put them in this predicament in the first place.

He runs a quick system check, and when he confirms that his mobile functions weren’t affected by the explosion, he grits his teeth and grabs onto the broken asphalt. He can push his way through the pain if that is all that holds him back. However, he’s barely managed to lift his torso off the ground when something crashes into him and sends him toppling over the asphalt. He grunts, grabbing onto the body of the android that’s landed on top of him and trying to push it off.

Kurogane sits up effortlessly though, and he turns back to look at Fai. Fai narrows his eyes when he closes in on Kurogane’s left side. Well, whatever is left of it.

“How the hell do you keep losing that arm?” He blurts out.

“You don’t get to tell me that when you’ve just lost an eye,” Kurogane shoots back, and it’s only then that Fai realizes how much his field of vision has been reduced. He reaches up to touch the empty socket where his eye and part of his cheek used to be, but his wrist is snatched away by Kurogane. “Let’s move.”

“What?”

“We can’t stay here like this, we need to run and find cover.”

“Considerable deviation from area of engagement may be considered withdrawing from battle,” Mokona speaks up, and Kurogane swats at her before snaking an arm around Fai’s waist and hoisting him up.

“I know, we _are_ withdrawing.”

“B-but, Command—”

“I tried calling for reinforcements, but I couldn’t reach them. You couldn’t either, right?”

Fai turns his head back as Kurogane starts dragging him away. The explosion had launched Fai far enough that the enhanced machines didn’t make the effort to go over to him immediately, but that means that, besides the ones that Kurogane has killed while making his way over to Fai, all of them have closed in on the two androids they were supposed to help. He can’t even see either of them from this distance anymore.

“The others—”

Kurogane gives Fai’s body a firm shake to stop his speaking, and when he turns to look at his partner, Kurogane’s serious expression shuts him up.

“They’ll survive if they’re lucky, and so will we,” Kurogane says, resuming his fast pace. “Don’t think about them. Think about finding us a good hiding spot.”

Fai looks at his feet and frowns. Kurogane’s loyalty has shifted: he doesn’t prioritize orders anymore, he prioritizes Fai. The fact that he’s already gotten to this point makes him feel that he’s truly failed, and the conflicting emotions that he’s always fighting against overwhelm him. The joy he feels at Kurogane’s loyalty to him is more painful than the damage he’s taken from the explosion.

And yet, he still obliges.  

“Mokona, scan our surroundings for areas with low machine activity,” he says. “Mark the safest point on the map.”

“Gotcha!”

 

* * *

 

_Fai hated the look Commander Yuuko was giving him. He knew it wasn’t her fault, he knew she wasn’t the one at the very top; the one who modeled him and gave him this dreadful mission. She still was his superior officer, however, and the one who called the shots. If she was going to tell him to keep on killing the one he loved, she didn’t get to put on a sad, pitying face._

_“Will you wipe off that blood, Fai?” She asked, her tone gentle._

_Fai was sitting on his bed, hunched forward with his elbows resting on his knees and hands intertwined to support his head. He tightened his grip, clawing at his knuckles. Neither he nor the commander said anything when the crack of metal filled the silence and small scraps of Fai’s skin fell to the floor of the bunker._

_“It’s all that’s left of him,” he whispered._

_“It’s not, Fai,” she said. “We’re androids, death means little to us. You’re going to be paired up with him again as soon as he’s ready to go.”_

_“Not with him.” Fai tightened his grip even further, making his fingers actually crush the knuckles of his left hand and dig into the structure, rendering the digits useless. He didn’t care. “He’s dead. I killed him. You’re bringing me another body. Another person. Not the Kurogane I just killed. This blood is all I have left of him.”_

_“He’s still himself,” Yuuko said, kneeling down in front of Fai and slowly prying his hands away from one another. One of his fingers fell to the floor, and both androids paid it no mind. He didn't care. “In his core, he’s still the same.”_

_“So he’ll get curious again, start trusting me again, reach for the truth again, and I’ll have to kill him again,” Fai muttered, a bitter smile on his face. “Why did they even make such a perceptive model if they had so much to hide?”_

_“Because for every truth he learns about us and humans, he learns the same about the machines,” Yuuko explained calmly. “You’ve been there for it all, Fai. He’s given us such useful combat data. He thinks outside the box in a way none of us do. We need him.”_

_“What for? To fight for something that no longer exists?”_

_“To eradicate the machines that keep hurting our people.” Yuuko grabbed his chin and tilted it up so they were making eye contact. Her stare was somber, but resolute. “Isn’t that a good enough reason to keep fighting? To keep those we love safe?”_

_“That means nothing to me when my mission is to do exactly the opposite,” he snarled, slapping Yuuko’s hand away with a hand that was falling apart and averting his gaze._

_The commander sighed and stood up. Her stance changed immediately, the compassion and sadness she was showing before replaced by coldness and severity. Fai didn’t care._

_“I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this,” she said, “but you leave me no other choice. Your personal feelings are getting in the way of your mission, and you’re faltering. I’m afraid I’ll have to put you through a full memory wipe and have you start the mission as a blank slate.”_

_It took a little while for the apathy that was hanging over Fai to fade, but when it did, the android was hit with the most intense feeling of fear he had ever experienced. It was panic, there was definitely panic there, but he also felt frozen to his core. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, but no words came out._

_“I’ll come back with a scanner,” Yuuko informed before turning to leave._

_Fai didn’t realize he had jumped out of bed and grabbed onto Yuuko’s skirts until he saw the rough edges of the torn metal of his hands ripping through pristine white fabric._

_“No,” he pleaded, voice rough with emotion. “You can’t do that. My memories of him are all I have, you can’t take them away from me.”_

_“Yes, I can,” Yuuko said coldly. “I’m your commander.”_

_“Please, give me another chance,” he begged, slumping forward and letting his head hang low, still gripping at the other android’s clothes. “He won’t find the truth this time. I’ll protect him from it all. Please.”_

_Fai knew that was impossible, because he and Kurogane were trapped in a never-ending spiral of life and death. He was lying to both the Commander and himself. Kurogane would always, always reach for the truth._

_But he couldn’t lose him. He needed at least one more lifetime by his side._

_“Fine,” Yuuko said. “But this is your last chance.”_

_She exited the room and Fai was left alone, sobbing on the floor while coated in the drying blood of his only love._

 

* * *

 

The night sky is clear, clearer than Fai ever remembers seeing. Stars are spread out throughout it all, no clouds covering them. The moonlight is soft, but radiant. It’s strange, he thinks to himself, how he’s missing an eye but he sees more clearly than he ever has before.

The skin that hasn’t been burnt off feels the cool night breeze, and he tries to breathe it in as a gust of wind blows by. His sense of smell is a little messed up, so the explosion must have hit his sensors there. To be fair, half of his face is charred, so expecting all of his senses to be intact would be foolish.

He hears heavy steps nearing him and turns his head to look at Kurogane as he appears from behind a building.

“There you are,” his partner says. He takes a look around before ungracefully plopping down on the ground. “Nice place.”

“Thanks,” Fai replies, running the fingers of his intact hand through the grass, feeling the tips of the blades with his fingertips.

After dropping him off in an alley, Kurogane had gone back into the field to look for his pod, which he had lost during the fight. Even when there weren’t any machines nearby, Fai had taken it upon himself to find a safer place that provided more cover, so he’d dragged himself around until he found this place; It’s a small corner on the outskirts of the city ruins. The buildings around them have collapsed, only leaving a small opening to get to the other side of the street. This secluded space feels like a clearing; only scraps and debris surround them, and the vegetation is small but abundant. With no buildings blocking the view, the night sky is clear. It’s a beautiful place.

Kurogane must think so too. That’s why Fai settled on this spot.

“How are you feeling?” Kurogane asks, and Fai tilts his head and smiles.

“Everything hurts,” he says. “Some of my outer layers of skin got jammed into my nape and I can’t shut off my pain circuits. How about you?”

Kurogane looks down at his left arm, which was torn right at his bicep. Circuits hang loose from there, and Fai finds it kind of gross—although considering the state of his face, he must look grosser. The other android shrugs.

“Could be worse. At least there’s no blood loss, since the skin’s all burned.”

“I guess,” Fai says, looking up at the stars once more. “Are they still fighting out there?”

“They are.”

“Did you find your pod?”

“Hiya!”

Fai blinks in surprise and looks down. Kurogane is holding out the black Mokona, which is greeting him with a smile. He cocks an eyebrow.

“I thought you had its speech turned off?”

“Turned it back on,” Kurogane explains. “Made it easier to find it.”

“Yay!” The black pod says. “Now there are two Mokonas!”

“Two Mokonas!” The white pod echoes, jumping around.

Kurogane grabs both pods by the head, anchoring them in place. “Keep being annoying and there’ll be no Mokonas at all.”

There are faint whines of complaint from the two pods, but they stop talking. Fai appreciates it, it’s hardly the time for pre-programmed cheer. He takes a good look at Kurogane. They’ve both lost their goggles along the way, so his partner’s face has never been clearer to him. It’s overwhelming, to see that piercing gaze for so long and not be able to hide from it, but a part of him likes it. Likes seeing something more—someone more—than a faceless soldier when he looks at Kurogane. It’s the first time he’s seen it without either of them being a second away from death

“What do we do?” he asks. “I’ve patched up all I can. Pain aside, the damage is mostly external, on my face and some of my skin. I can still fight.”

“The missing arm messes up my balance a little bit, but I still have another,” Kurogane says. “I can still fight as well.”

They stare at each other in silence. Fai thinks that they both understand what the other isn’t saying—doesn’t want to say. Not for the first time, Fai wonders if he and Kurogane were modeled to understand one another without words and, if so, who was the idiot who thought it was a good idea. It’d be incredibly cruel to manufacture them in a specific way so they shared a bond of understanding and trust no one else had and then make one of them kill the other over, and over, and over again. The way in which they fit each other so perfectly, the way in which no matter what Fai does, Kurogane always ends up loving him, it all can’t be a coincidence. Commander Yuuko always says it, after all: there are no such things as coincidences.

No, that isn’t it. Fai isn’t thinking clearly. He takes a deep breath.

Kurogane was manufactured many years after Fai. Fai wasn’t made for this, he was only selected because of his ability to come up with solutions in the most dire of situations. He only got some minor adjustments when he went from being a regular scanner model to an executioner. This isn’t the time to spiral.

“Let’s not,” Kurogane whispers, cautious despite the fact that there are no prying ears around. “Let’s leave.”

“In that case, units Kurogane and Fai will be reported to Command as deserters,” the black Mokona speaks, its voice high pitched but its tone serious.

“I don’t care,” Kurogane says. “Pipe it down.”

“What?” Fai asks, his voice rising an octave. “You’re seriously suggesting we _desert_?”

Kurogane raises an eyebrow. “Is it really that big of a surprise?”

“We’re soldiers.”

“Yes, and this war is a sham I refuse to lose my life to.” Kurogane grabs Fai’s collar and yanks him right into his personal space. “Open your eyes, Fai.”

“They’re open, Kurogane,” Fai whispers. “You know that better than anyone.”

Kurogane’s eyes widen, and releases Fai. He’s been trying to get Fai to call him by his actual name in all his lives, especially in those where he found out Fai was using the nicknames to distance himself from him. The use of Kurogane’s name breaks down the walls between them, but if that is to kill him or to spare him, Fai still doesn’t know.

When he gets over the initial shock, Kurogane leans his weight forward and sighs heavily, ruffling his own hair.

“You’re so frustrating, you know that?” He says. “You’re aware of how pointless this all is, you’ve known all along, and you still insist on lying and being unhelpful.”

“Maybe lying and being unhelpful is what my true mission is.”

“I’m not joking, asshole. There’s no point in hiding anything anymore. Humanity is extinct, and our deaths have no meaning at all.”

Fai slumps back on the stone wall behind him. He knew it was coming, but he still hates it when it does.

“You shouldn’t say those things,” he says, defeated.

“Why not? You know, you’re so focused on me you forget to look at what’s happening around you. I’m not the only one who knows that humans died long ago and that retaking the Earth is pointless.”

Fai scoffs. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“I’m not,” Kurogane retorts, scowling. “You know the kid from the resistance? He’s really interested in history and archeology, so he studies humans extensively in his spare time. He was trying to create a chronological record of human history and realized there was a weird time gap where all records had been lost, and right after that time stamp the humans were apparently already on the moon. He’s told the princess, and she wasn’t even surprised. There are hundreds of thousands of androids out there, and you think that only three of us have been able to figure it out?”

“What are you suggesting?” Fai asks accusingly, anger washing over him. “That everyone knows that our fighting is meaningless? And yet they say _nothing_?”

“Yes, because they value their lives,” Kurogane responds. “And even if those high up in command decided to not kill everyone who knew, there’s still a difference between knowing something and talking about it. If it was a common fact, imagine how many androids would rush off to get killed by the machines, or how many would off themselves? I hate having to feign ignorance, but it’s all we can do in this case. It’s not like we can bring humans back,” he says with gritted teeth.

“But you don’t feign ignorance in front of those you care about, do you?” Fai asks without thinking, his voice low. He regrets the question as soon as it leaves his lips.

“No, I don’t,” Kurogane says. He sounds proud of that fact, and Fai narrows his eyes.

“Even if it puts you in danger.”

“You’re not gonna hurt me.”

Fai ignores the pain when he crawls forward and straddles Kurogane’s lap. He wraps his hands around his partner’s neck and guides his torso down to make him lie on his back. He meets no resistance from Kurogane, who seems almost relaxed under him. Their gazes lock, and the other’s eyes look calm and patient, as if he’s waiting for Fai to do something.

Surprising himself, Fai lets out a broken sob he hadn’t felt coming. He hunches forward and clenches his hands around Kurogane’s throat. Both of them know he’s not applying nearly enough force to even hurt the other android.

“Why?” He cries, tears falling from his only remaining eye. “Why do you never fight back?”

“You know the answer to that,” Kurogane says slowly. “But you don’t want to hear it.”

“I asked you to kill me!” Fai yells, pressing his thumb into Kurogane’s throat. “Yet you’re just lying here, letting me do whatever I want!”

Kurogane’s voice is calm and quiet when he replies. “You know I don’t remember that.”

“Do I know? _Do I_?” Fai asks, grief and desperation lacing his voice. “I can’t tell what you remember anymore! I can’t tell how much you know and how much you don’t! I don’t even know how you figured out my mission is to kill you every time you get too close to truths you shouldn’t know!”

Fai’s grip around Kurogane’s throat has tightened significantly during his outburst. He’s pressing the other android into the ground with all the force of his weight, and yet he still has met no resistance. He gets a tap on the wrist from Kurogane’s remaining hand, a grim reminder of a death he once provoked. That makes him release a bit of pressure, enough for the other to speak.

“The Commander granted me access to the classified files,” Kurogane says, his voice ragged.

Fai removes his hands from Kurogane’s neck at that, letting them fall limp at his sides. He doesn’t get off his lap, but he stays hunched over, staring down at Kurogane’s chest. Slowly, he brings his hands to his own face, and buries it in them. He can feel the torn metal of where his left eye used to be poking his palm, and he presses it further so it pierces it and bleeds.

The additional pain does nothing to help him feel grounded.

“I don’t understand,” he whispers into the fabric of his gloves. “Which side has she been on all this time?”

“I don’t know, to be honest,” Kurogane admits, still calm. Fai doesn’t understand how he’s still calm. “There’s a lot going on with this mission. Maybe she wanted me to know in case something happened to us.”

“That makes no sense, you knowing just means I have to kill you.”

“Or it means we can do something about it together,” Kurogane answers. “You said you asked me to kill you. You don’t want this. You’ve never wanted this.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Yes, it does!” Kurogane says, finally raising his voice. He props himself up with an elbow and leans closer to Fai, who still has his hands on his face. Fai feels a hand on his wrist, but he doesn’t move. “History repeats itself until we decide not to let it.”

Fai croaks out a bitter laugh, lowering his hands to look at the other android with disbelief.

“You’re so…” He shakes his head. “What do you even intend to do if we desert? Do you want us to live our lives peacefully like humans?”

“Why not?” Kurogane says, releasing Fai’s wrist and leaning his weight back on his hand, “Yeah.”

“Are you _mad_?” Fai asks, incredulous. “We’re going to be hunted, we’re both in terrible shape and we won’t have any spare parts unless we miraculously manage to scavenge them while being this broken. Machines will be wherever we go, so we’ll either have to be on the run all the time or forcibly face them.” He takes a deep breath and points at the charred part of his face while maintaining eye contact. “Look at me, Kurogane. A human would look at me and see nothing more than a machine right now. Once we peel off our skin, we can’t fool ourselves with the illusion that we’re human.”

“Let’s not imitate them, then,” Kurogane says. “Let’s go to the kid and the princess before the battle ends and take them along, they’ll be able to help us with our injuries and they’re unhappy where they are. Let’s find somewhere remote, and live and die like androids. Neither humans nor killing machines. Let’s be what we are right now.”

“Kurogane...”

“Listen, if we desert, there’s no going back to the bunker. That means that if we die, it’s permanent. Kill me right here and now, if you want, but I will not be coming back again. It’ll be your final kill.”

Fai stays still for a moment, but he soon drops his weight to the side, getting off of Kurogane’s lap and sitting down on the grass. He feels utterly defeated, like he never even had a chance.

He’s never been good at resisting Kurogane.

“You’re unbelievable, you know that?” He says, smiling bitterly. “What you’re suggesting is crazy and foolish, and yet it all sounds so right when you put it like that. Like it all suddenly makes sense.”

“It’s made sense since the beginning.”

“No, it hasn't. Deserting goes against our core programming.”

“No, our core programming demands that we fight to protect humanity. If humanity is gone, it doesn’t tie us to anything anymore.”

Fai falters at that. He’s never questioned things to that degree, but he can’t wrap his head around something like that so suddenly.

“But...” he protests weakly. As expected, it has little effect in swaying Kurogane.

“If that’s not the case, how have others deserted before us?” His partner says. He places a hand over his chest, right where his black box is located. “We’re free, Fai, and this freedom is ours to do whatever the hell we want with it.”

In that moment, with those words, Fai realizes just how tired he is. He’s tired of his mission, he’s tired of this operation, he’s tired of pretending he can win against Kurogane. He’s tired of putting up a happy front. He’s tired of lying. He’s tired of being miserable.

“So… all this time, everything we’ve done has been pointless?” He says, looking down at his hands as he fiddles with his own fingers. “What I’ve… everything I’ve… all the things I’ve done to you had no purpose? It was all for _nothing_?”

“It was for the sake of keeping you alive until I could reach these truths,” Kurogane replies, his steady voice a stark contrast to Fai’s broken one. “Killing me now is what will be for nothing. Even knowing that, are you still willing to do it?”

Fai shuts his eye and shakes his head slowly.

“...No. And if I don’t do it…”

“You’ll be persecuted. So, if you want to survive…”

“I’ll have to desert,” Fai finishes, clenching his jaw. “But that’s just if I _want_ to survive.”

“You did say you asked me to kill you…” Kurogane notes. When Fai looks up at him, he finds the other android has averted his gaze to the side. He eventually looks back up at him, though, and his gaze is as sincere as always. Fai doesn’t want to break the eye contact. “Do you still want to die?”

“I… I don’t know,” he says, running a hand through his hair and leaving it on his nape, his fingers resting against the crack on his skin. “All I’ve ever wanted was for all of this to end, but all these new circumstances change everything. I… I always thought the only way I had to leave this cycle we’ve been stuck in was to die. Permanently.”

“You’ve always had the option to run away with me,” Kurogane says softly. Fai laughs and shakes his head.

“I didn’t know that. I never thought of anything beyond the walls of the bunker and the orders I was given,” he admits. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t let myself hope. If I did, I wouldn’t be able to withstand any of the things I had to do to you. So I never let myself think about anything other than being the one to die instead of you.” He wraps his arms around his stomach, hugging himself. “But I was scared. I was scared of not existing anymore, but I was mostly scared that they’d replace me and all the memories I made with you would disappear forever. If those disappeared, then all the time we spent together...”

A sudden, horrifying realization stops Fai from finishing the sentence. He stares at the ground, recalling the conversation he had with the Commander right after the last time he killed Kurogane. He had been too distressed to pay any attention to the details back then, but her sudden change of attitude, from compassionate to cold, had been odd, jarring even. Ever since then, her words to him have been suspicious. She’d never been one to remind him harshly of what he ought to do, she’d always been an understanding android that tried to make things easier for him in any way she could.

“What’s wrong?” Kurogane asks, breaking the silence. When Fai looks up at him with wide eyes, he grimaces. “You’re creeping me out, going all quiet. Say something.”

“We’re an elite force that is relatively new,” Fai says, his voice a hushed murmur. “We only obey orders from Commander Yuuko, but she was created alongside us. She’s not on the top of the chain of command.”

“Of course she isn’t, everyone knows that,” Kurogane replies, frowning. “What the hell are you trying to get at?”

“This operation is too big for it to have been her own doing.” He brings a hand to touch the injured part of his face as the pieces slowly start to fit together. “Before you—the you from right now—were assigned as my partner, she threatened to erase my memories of you to improve mission efficiency.” He lowers his hand to nervously nip at the tips of his gloves. “I managed to get her to give me one last chance. Just one.”

Kurogane’s frown deepens, and Fai can see him processing this new information and trying to tie it together.

“Then telling me about your true mission right before this one makes no sense,” Kurogane says, and Fai nods stiffly.

“It’s what I’ve been telling you, it makes _no_ sense.” He breathes in and looks at Kurogane in the eyes, more serious than he’s ever been. “Unless she received orders from the higher ups to get rid of us both—the current us.”

Kurogane is as quick on the uptake as usual: it only takes him a couple of seconds before his eyes are widening in surprise. His expression doesn’t take long to shift to contained anger, which eventually shifts to full-blown rage.

“They didn’t assign us on a squadron because they wanted us to die,” he growls, slamming his fist on the ground. “They cut off communication from the bunker so we couldn’t back up our data, and they left us out here to die.”

“So Commander Yuuko reached out to you in hopes that you’d convince me to survive with you,” Fai says, a wave of sadness and gratitude for his commander washing over him. “She always looked at me with those sad eyes… she might have wanted to take action for the longest time.”

Yuuko still sent them on this suicide mission, so her giving away the information to Kurogane wasn’t a direct betrayal to the chain of command. However, if she’s ever found out, she will certainly be disposed of. Yet she still risked her position and her life, just so Kurogane and Fai could have another chance. Fai wishes he could go back to the bunker one last time and tell her how grateful he is.

Kurogane shifts his weight forward and gets up from the ground, extending a hand to Fai. Fai stares at it, then looks up at his partner.

“Are you gonna waste the life she risked it all to save?” The android asks, a small, knowing grin on his lips. “Or are you gonna come with me?”

For the first time ever, Fai doesn’t have a single reason to reject Kurogane. For the first time ever, he can look at the kindness being offered to him—and although the intense feeling of guilt hasn’t faded out, the vague hope that he has always been suppressing can finally come to the surface, free and unrestrained. It’s overwhelming, feeling such things and not having any reason to restrict them, being able to respond to Kurogane’s sincerity with that of his own without suffering any negative consequences from it. So Fai resorts to something comfortable and safe to use, something that’s always hurt him but can now help him steady himself.

Fai resorts to acting silly.

“But, Kuro-tan, everything hurts!” He says, his pout not quite as exaggerated as it used to be. “You know my pain circuits are damaged!”

Kurogane makes a weird face, a mix between annoyance and endearment. He doesn’t withdraw his hand, however, still holding it out in a silent invitation.

“If that weren’t the truth, I’d be kicking your sorry ass right now,” he says, his grin not quite fading. “I’ll carry you then. Come on.”

Fai takes a moment longer, not quite hesitating but struggling to process it all. There’s still a battle going on not far from them, they’re both damaged in a way that’ll be more than difficult to repair, the pain coursing through his body isn’t getting any easier to deal with, and yet he feels more at peace than he ever has. It’s strange.

It’s scary.

He takes the hand, letting Kurogane hoist him up. Before he knows it, he’s wrapping his arms around his partner’s neck and kissing him on the lips. The first and last time he did this, there had been blood everywhere, and Kurogane had been cold and weak, too damaged to even move. Now he’s warm, and the blood has dried long ago. He only has one arm, but it’s wrapped around Fai’s waist, strong and solid.

Fai breaks the kiss to let out a strangled sob, and he closes his eyes shut to avoid seeing Kurogane’s concerned gaze. It’s still too much.  

“What’s wrong?” Kurogane whispers, and Fai smiles again.

“This is crazy,” he says, a mix of a laugh and a sob and something else entirely. “I may be panicking.”

“We’ll be fine, idiot,” Kurogane reassures in that clumsy, rough manner of his, and Fai laughs, wiping away the tears falling from his only eye before latching onto Kurogane again.

He steals another kiss and says, “then take me away.”

And Kurogane does so without hesitation.

 

* * *

 

_Commander Yuuko was standing in the hallway of the bunker, looking out of the window. Her eyes were following the two flight units that were heading towards the surface, and a sad smile graced her features._

_When she had looked at Fai’s forced smile earlier, she’d realized that despite her position of power, she was truly and utterly powerless. The executioner had seemed fragile and brittle, as if a gust of wind would dismantle him completely. He had seemed beyond salvation, but Yuuko didn’t want to think that was the case._

_Maybe it was all pointless in the grand scheme of things, but she couldn’t stay still and watch the lives of these two exceptional androids be ruined anymore. Even if it was the last thing she did, she would give them a chance._

_Even if it was the last thing she did, she would give them hope._

**Author's Note:**

> If you're reading this in September 2018, please head over to [Dreamwidth](https://kurofai.dreamwidth.org/) to vote for [the fic](https://kurofai.dreamwidth.org/113246.html#cutid1/)! You'll find every other fic from this year's Olympics there, and if you have the time I highly recommend reading them and voting for them too. There is a template for the scoring at the end of each fic, and it only takes a moment to do the voting.


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